Poems

I began writing poetry when I was ten years old. My first poem was about the weather, written to earn my writers badge in the Girl Guides.

I started writing regularly when I was sixteen and in an unrequited love situation, what better motivation is there for writing poetry?

I didn’t really think of my writing as poetry, merely a collection of thoughts. I spent very little time on them, they just sort of tumbled out. And they rarely rhymed, which I’d believed at the time was essential for a poem. 

But as my favourite poet, DH Lawrence once said:

Each little piece is a thought; not a bare idea or an opinion, or a didactic statement, but a true thought… At least they do not pretend to be half baked lyrics or melodies.”

I recently unearthed this collection of poems, mostly written between 1994-1999.

Who Cares

When I walk down the road
I know I’m not alone
The usual stares and silent mirth
Accompany me home
I don’t know why, they feel the need to notice me
I guess it’s just the way things are
Sometimes I just want the ground
to open up and swallow me
But I know it would spit me right out again.

Have you ever been made to feel
like no one really cares
Or that the world has no place for you?
You know, sometimes I wonder
Where’s the sense in going on?
Sometimes I just want to ground
To open up and swallow me

But where would that leave me:
Alone? I already feel it
Frightened? I already am
I’m lost with no place to go
Will I ever find a way?
Will I ever know my own mind,
here, or there, anywhere?

Everything I do, everything I say
Nobody thinks about.
Does anybody listen?
Please will somebody listen

Nobody wants me
Nobody knows my need to feel wanted
I’m not looking for attention
Just acknowledgement
And maybe somebody who cares
Sometimes I just want the ground
To open up and swallow me
But I know it would spit me
Right back out again.

Not even the dirt of the earth wants me
I feel so alone

Disbelief

Sometimes
The words I speak
Sound so cruel
I can hardly believe
It’s my voice
speaking

Sometimes
the things I do
are so cruel
I can hardly believe
they are
my actions

Sometimes
The thoughts I think
appear to be
So cruel
I can hardly believe
it’s my brain
thinking

Sometimes
I don’t
Recognise myself

Words

When you say how you feel
Say it again
And then say it a third time
To make sure it sounds right
Words you speak
Sound so good to each other
And others listening
Smile sweetly
They don’t have to be words of love
Or even words of
Intellectual understanding
Just words
To each other

In Love

I open up my soul
I’m so transparent
He breaks my heart
Everyone can see
I wear my heart
Upon my sleeve
The fear eats away
I am blind
I cannot see the pain
He is about to cause
It hits me
Takes me by surprise
My legs wobble
My hands shake
My heart beats
It hurts
But it feels so good.

Star

You travelled all around
Always ahead of me
Finding all the words and phrases
You always knew just what to say
When I had not a clue
You always helped me find a way

You travelled through my life
Chasing away my shadows
Someone strong to guide me
You closed the door
As I opened a new gate
You followed close behind me

You, you took the problems
Of all the world
And yet, still had space to carry me
Now I’ll be there
I’m strong, you see
Your burdens you can give to me

You shut it out and turn yourself away
You keep all your fears inside
But you still pile on
That weight of the world
So I’ll be there to carry yours

Short Thought

There’s a feeling
In my mind
That I cannot explain
There’s this feeling
In my mind
Again and again and again.

Critic

Who am I
To criticise?
I’m nobody
But I’m me
I’m as guilty
As the next man
Of everything
I accuse
Or else
How do I know
So much
About my accusation?

Scared

If I was someone else
I’d sit back and enjoy the ride
I’d smile all the time and daydream every minute
I wouldn’t question everything
Or find fault with every move
I’d display my affections
And let him display his.

But I cannot show him my affection
Or be with him every minute
For fear of being in the way
Annoying him.

I don’t believe he likes me
He tells me, his friends tell me
But what does that prove?
I’ve been taught that no one likes me.

Just because he is mine
and I am his
Doesn’t mean a thing.
My past experience told me
that love is not as genuine as it should be.

Maybe this one is different
But I say that every time
Maybe he’s telling the truth
When he says he likes me
But I cannot see beyond my past
Or put my past behind me.

He says he cares
And I want to care
About him.

But I keep my distance
Like a cold wall between us
Because when I show I care
I am vulnerable
Open to rejection
I can’t show I care
Because
I’m just too scared.

Journey of Love

Twas in the next carriage I saw him that night,
On the first row in, third seat from the right.
I was far at the back, but he noticed me there,
As he glanced every second, shy by my stare.
The train rumbled by, past stop after stop,
My lover he watched, as we came to a halt.
Ad he watched my reflection, as my reflection watched him,
And his eyes wandered ’round, as though only to skim.
As quick as he glanced, embarrassed he turned,
Like on a fiery flame, his fingers had burned.
I watched his reflection, his reflection watched me,
Both full of desire, neither wanting to be.
From my reflection, his gaze fell to his ‘sack,
As he pulled it ‘cross his shoulder, to fall on his back.
Then he rose and wandered to the door,
And stood, so nervously, staring at the floor.
The train ground to a halt, and let out a sigh,
My unknown lover, left without goodbye.
I watched as he walked, and knew it was gone,
My short, reflection romance, as quick as it have come.